Wisdom
by Wildfire Girl
Summary: Antonio struggles with his love for Gabi, and his need to follow the church.


WISDOM Author's Note: How do I say this, but simply . writing fiction and short stories for the wonderful fans of SB like you has me addicted, and now I cannot seem to be able to stop. Anyhow, here is my latest effort, a short story based on a song off of the Karma Delerium CD. Can you tell that I am addicted to this CD, as well? LOL! Enjoy ( And thank you all for encouraging me! (You don't know what monster you have created now .. Ha ha ha haaaaa!)  
  
  
  
TO OTHERS THE PAIN WAS OBVIOUS  
  
"T." Ricardo greeted his brother, slightly stiffly.  
  
"Ricardo," was Antonio's only reply as he nodded his hello, and entered the loft apartment. If he could just get past this one night.  
  
It had been 9 long months. And those that knew Antonio the best knew it wasn't over. They could still see the pain in his eyes, the slump of those shoulders on long days. His dimpled smile was often missing. But they also knew there was nothing that any of them, not Maria or Carmen, any of them could do to bring their beloved Antonio back. It was something he would have to do on his own.  
  
It had been 9 long months since Gabi had left Sunset Beach. Nine months of slow ebbs and flows to mend the relationship between brothers, to forget the love of one woman. The pain was still obvious.  
  
  
  
THE COLORS OF SHAME A BRUISE, UNJUST  
  
Antonio's eyes quickly scanned the room, and upon not seeing one woman he was so afraid to see again, he let out a shaky breath.  
  
But his sister was quickly at his side, handing him a soda, trying to get him involved in the party atmosphere. Antonio smiled, and played the part of the happy brother. As he had so many times before. It had almost become second nature to him. To pretend.  
  
His sins haunted him even to this day, just over a year and a half after his one night of passion, love, never-ending. It was a bruise on his heart, shame on his soul. He had at once, albeit momentarily, viewed the night as wrong, shameful. And now understood that the cave-in was his one chance to be loved by the angel, Gabi. His one opportunity to have her love all to himself.  
  
But the shame it had brought upon his family, Ricardo, to his church would forever haunt Antonio's soul. Unjust, for the most amazing part of life, to be loved so by one woman, to be his bruise on the soul. Unjust.  
  
  
  
ABUSE OF TRUST CAN'T BE WIPED  
  
Ricardo couldn't completely wipe those memories of betrayal from his mind. Just as Antonio had a hard time calming the shame he felt inside for his hurt to Ricardo and Gabi. Brothers had made strides to reconciliation, and Ricardo understood that Gabi and Antonio's lie had been to protect him. But it didn't stop that abuse of trust from rearing its ugly head, and it didn't make their betrayal any less painful.  
  
And as the party guests mingled around the loft, Antonio tried to will the night to pass quickly. It was the engagement party for Ricardo and Paula. And Gabi was expected to be there. Soon. Antonio didn't think he could bear to see her, watch her walk into the room, smile and be merry for the crowd. When he was still so barren inside.  
  
Gabi had been back to Sunset Beach a time or two, visiting Vanessa, Meg. She even had seen Ricardo from what he had said. But not Antonio. Not Antonio.  
  
  
  
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY I CHOSE TO SAY GOODBYE  
  
So much now had passed, such efforts of reuniting between brothers, such time gone by. And during those long days and nights, somehow all the reasons Antonio had had at one time to say goodbye to Gabi, were now distant memories.  
  
Ricardo had learned to get over Gabi, and unexpectedly had reunited with Paula. Ricardo was growing, getting beyond the past. It didn't even hurt to see Gabi any more. But Antonio was a different story. Even tonight, as he stood in the familiar loft, his mind kept going back to those last few days before Gabi left. The reasons he had to let her go. And he couldn't for the life of him, grasp the truth behind why he had let her walk out on his life.  
  
She had walked out once, to Blanco. And he'd flown to Blanco to bring her back. As much for himself as the reason he had said . for his brother. But when Gabi left Sunset Beach the second and final time, he had simply let her go.  
  
  
  
I'M TERRIFIED OF WHAT I MIGHT HAVE SEVERED  
  
Even though one piece of his heart told him that letting Gabi go had been the best, his heart and soul nagged him about what he might have severed and torn between himself and his best friend, Gabi. Best friend? She was so much more than his best friend.  
  
  
  
I TRIED TO FORGET THE DROWNING TRUTH  
  
She was his everything. His church was supposed to be everything for him. His happiness, his life, his reason for being. But after Gabi, he knew his life would never be the same. There was no way he could ever forget the truth of her love, the realization that no matter what he did in life, where he went, she would always be in his heart. It was a truth that was drowning him.  
  
  
  
LASHING INSIDE MY SEA OF YOUTH  
  
Even today, standing in the loft, watching the partygoers rejoicing in Ricardo and Paula's newfound happiness, Antonio's heart ached. He felt old, aged, and left alone. And the only memories of youth, happiness, and love were centered on Gabi.  
  
This loft even held strong memories for him. Her wedding night to Ricardo, when Antonio had tucked her into bed, watching her sleep, filled his mind. Wishing, yearning for it have been him that she had married.  
  
Memories of Gabi were everywhere in this town. Lashing out at him from behind every building, along the beach, at Surf Central, and the church. Everywhere Antonio went, Gabi's ghost haunted him still.  
  
  
  
LIFE SEEMED A FAIR SACRIFICE FOR PEACE  
  
It may have seemed strange to say, but at the time he had let her go, his happiness via her love had all seemed a fair sacrifice for peace in his life. But the peace had never come. And today, of all days, he was searching for a different kind of peace. And a life, his new life, in one.  
  
Of all days, he had chosen Ricardo's engagement party. But it was now or never.  
  
  
  
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY I CHOSE TO SAY GOODBYE  
  
Gabi took a deep, shaky breath and knocked on the door to Ricardo's loft. This loft had been home to her. It was strange to knock, to wait for Ricardo to open the door. But everything about her life seemed strange now.  
  
When Ricardo welcomed her inside, Gabi was genuinely happy for him. The love this heroic man deserved had never been hers to give. Her heart could never be Ricardo's alone, because she had shared it with his brother. But knowing Paula could give Ricardo all the love he needed, deserved, and had earned made the ache inside Gabi easier.  
  
But not the ache for Antonio. That had never gone away, and she had come to the conclusion it never would.  
  
As Gabi timidly entered the loft, her eyes were automatically scanning the small crowd for Antonio. His familiar priestly garb and that damned collar. Her dark eyes instantly settled on him, huddled unsociably in a corner. His hair was ever so slightly longer than she last remembered, as if he had forgotten to get it cut. And there was no smile to light his face. Tonight, though, he was free of his collar, and that made Gabi slightly more reassured. Gabi had always thought that when Antonio needed protection, needed resolve he wore the priestly garb even on social outings. More for protection, reassurance, than anything else.  
  
Tonight, he was clad in khaki slacks and a dark blue shirt that brilliantly hugged his muscles. Gabi's mouth went dry. Her heart beat double time. She instantly flashed back to the feel of those muscles under her hands as she had pushed his shirt off at the cave-in. The taste of his skin was fresh in her mouth. Was it really going to be this hard, seeing him again?  
  
Why had she said goodbye? Let him go?  
  
  
  
I'M TERRIFIED OF WHAT I MIGHT HAVE SEVERED  
  
Gabi was almost instantly greeted by Vanessa and Meg, who swamped her in hugs and kisses, demanding to know all about her life outside of Sunset Beach. She politely answered their questions, but couldn't keep her mind or her eyes off of Antonio.  
  
And it didn't take long for the two to notice.  
  
"Go talk to him," Vanessa urged.  
  
But Gabi was terrified. She had waited so long now to contact him, she might have already severed any ties left that bound the duo.  
  
And at that moment, Antonio first noticed Gabi. She stood talking to Vanessa and Meg, but her eyes were on him. And Antonio couldn't look away. She was gorgeous, more beautiful than he could ever remember. Her hair was much longer now, gently laying across her shoulders, brushing the straps on her blue crop top. She wore a matching, darker blue mini skirt that highlighted her legs. And those legs had so often tumbled this woman into his arms.  
  
Antonio swallowed hard, his eyes not leaving Gabi's. And she knew. Whatever time had passed between the two, whatever sins they had committed against each other were all vanished in the blink of an eye. In the second the two saw each other, again.  
  
  
  
I ENDED UP TOO HIGH, BUT I NEVER LEARNED TO FLY  
  
Without even acknowledging Vanessa or Meg, Gabi went straight to Antonio. It wasn't necessarily a conscience effort, almost as if she were being drawn there.  
  
And for a moment, time stood still. The two forbidden lovers faced each other squarely, after 9 long months without contact. And it was all Gabi could do not to propel herself into those secure arms. All she could do to keep her lips from meeting his.  
  
"Antonio," it was a breathless whisper.  
  
"Gabi ." And in their minds, the world around them stopped. And the only piece of the universe that remained was the two of them. Facing each other, and their tormented love. Without words, they knew they still shared that undying love. They had never needed words before to express it.  
  
"Let's go for a walk," Antonio suggested and lead Gabi out to the beach. His heart was floating on high. It was almost sunset, the colors of the sky painting the water brilliant orange. He wanted to reach out and grab Gabi's hand, to touch her. To see if the memories that had sustained him were as real as life itself.  
  
"Antonio, I am sorry I haven't been in touch with you," Gabi began, gently touching his arm. "I wasn't sure. I didn't want to cause you any unneeded pain. You ."  
  
But he shushed her, touching her lips with a finger. It burned her to the core. "Gabi, please. I had made my decision. My commitment."  
  
Gabi swallowed hard, looking away from his soulful eyes. Those eyes that drew her in from the moment she read his feelings inside. Those eyes that said even now he understood. Neither were any good at flying on their own. All their troubles, tests, and adventures seemed to have been overcome together. Never alone.  
  
  
  
SO COMING DOWN I'M VERY THANKFUL YOU WERE THERE  
  
"Antonio . if I shouldn't have come tonight ."  
  
But again, he cut her off, grabbing her shoulders. "No!"  
  
She looked up at the force of his statement. Intensity, strong and overwhelming was written all over his face. "Gabi, I am glad you came back . tonight. I . I was hoping to see you. There is something I need to tell you. I had made my commitment to God. After you left."  
  
And Gabi's heart dropped. She was almost afraid he was going to say he was running again, finding a new parish away from the memories. And just when Gabi had made the decision to return to Sunset Beach. And now, all of a sudden, the seriousness of his voice had her thinking he was about to leave Sunset Beach. Not when she so desperately needed to see where life stood for the two of them. Not when she felt such a deep pull, such a need for him still.  
  
"Antonio . I need to tell you something too."  
  
But Antonio had to speak first. He had been waiting, hoping, praying that he would be given this chance tonight. One chance, one final opportunity to set things right. Even though he had no idea where it would lead, he had to see if Gabi would still be there for him. Just this once he would ask her , and never again.  
  
"Gabi, I ." he took a deep breath, licked his lips. "I have tried to get past the love I will always have for you. But that is not what my future holds. Gabi, I still love you. I always will, no matter what. You know that. And because of that, I have left the priesthood." But before he could even ask her if she still shared that love, he could see it in her eyes.  
  
Gabi could only gasp in surprise, astonishment. She had been so fearful this time apart would have only caused him to grow further away, and instead it had drawn their love closer. Forbidden. Tormented.  
  
"Antonio!" was all she could get out, before she leapt into his arms. "Antonio, I still love you. Nothing will ever change that."  
  
Finally she pulled away, studying his eyes. "You seriously left the priesthood? I could never have asked you to do that."  
  
He smiled, a deep heartfelt smile that lit his eyes. "I know Gabi. And I could never expect you to do such a thing. It was a decision I had to make on my own. The calling is no longer there. I can serve God in other ways. But my life is leading me . leading me to you. It always has."  
  
And in the loft window, Ricardo and Paula watched, smiling.  
  
  
  
Author's Second Note: Ok. I was going to take a nap this afternoon (my day off of work), after re-painting my birdbath, applying rock mosaics to the other, cleaning house, all the while watching Olympics. But . those *%&* helicopters and sirens for the State Trooper Training are too distracting for sleep. So . I sat down and finished this fan fic. If is was a little choppy, my apologies. Sometimes it is hard to concentrate with the whirl of blades directly overhead! LOL ( 


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